This is the story of love and of loss,
Between two lovers whose species did cross,
A frog and a pig
whose belly got big
and everyone knew who was boss.
So out came a baby who required protection,
And Miss Piggy who just wanted some affection
The Frog got scared
He wasn’t prepared,
Why didn’t he wear contraception?!
Our frog he panicked and fled
Which just made our pig see red,
She filed an order
To keep her daughter
Away from that ‘horrible green fathead’
So the disgraced frog named Kermit
Is now in need of a permit,
to see his kid
that Piggy keeps hid
To fatherhood he now must commit.
A short and succinct guide on how to fool your colleagues and friends into thinking you’re a massive American Football fan who stayed up all night to watch the Superbowl.
Before the Game
- Ask your friends if they’re staying up to watch ‘the big game’, making it clear that you will be.
- For best results post in group chat
- eg ‘who else is gonna be up late tonight watching the football?!”
- Ask anyone that will listen who they will be supporting, and make clear your own allegiance, before they can answer if necessary.
- ‘You Pats or Eagles? Gotta be the Eagles for me, love an underdog and Jay Ajayi is one of our own’.
- Namedrop Jay Ajayi; it is essential that everyone around you is aware you know he was born in England.
- ‘That Jay Ajayi eh? Absolute tank. Must be his British blood from being born in Britain. Go Eagles.’
- Place bet on either team to win (smallest stakes as possible) and share on social media.
- ‘Bet done. Gone for the Eagles on this one, struggle to see past them with Jay Ajayi the Brit on the team. Go Eagles.’
- Deflect any questions regarding American Football by referring to Tom Brady as the GOAT.
- ‘So who did these guys beat to get to the Superbowl?’
- ‘8 Superbowl finals and 5 Superbowls? Try telling me Tom Brady is not the GOAT’
- Google what GOAT stands for
During the Game
- Tweet constant updates on the game, making sure to use American Football buzz words.
- ‘Unreal touchdown from Clements there’
- ‘Wow. What a play from Foles. Speechless.’
- ‘Rookie from Wisconsin’
- ‘Brady is sacked!!!!! What a sack from the rookie!’
- Reiterate your allegiance and your knowledge of who was going to win (depending on the score)
- ‘YES, GO EAGLES!!!’
- ‘Hard to believe that Jay Ajayi was born in England and is now playing for the Eagles in the Superbowl! Go Eagles’
- ‘Eagles on top in this game, surprising for some but not me, knew they had it in them.’
- Make your disgust known about the half time show
- ‘Ffs. Wish we could jut watch analysis of the game at half time not this pop garbage. Go Eagles.’
- Ensure you message your group chat after midnight so they know you’re watching the game.’
- ‘Wow did you guys see that sack? Unreal. Did you know Jay Ajayi was British? Incredible. Can’t believe it’s 2am already!’
- Go to bed after the half time show because that’s all you wanted to watch.
After the Game
- Don’t shower in the morning or have coffee until you get to the office. It is essential you look as tired as possible.
- Watch the second half highlights and memorize the events.
- Make people aware you are SO tired when you get to work
- ‘Jesus I am absolutely shattered, anyone else catch the game?’
- Let everyone know you knew the outcome was inevitable.
- ‘Yep, never looked in doubt for the Eagles. Not with Jay Ajayi the British Brit from Britain.’
- Avoid the guy in the office who actually did watch the game, if you come in contact deflect attention.
- ‘What did you think of that last touchdown? Didn’t look like he had control for me’
- ‘Jesus Jerry are you still talking about the game? You’re boring everyone mate.’
- Don’t watch American Football again until next year.
- Repeat.
After putting 4 past league leaders Man City in a scintillating performance, Liverpool failed to score against bottom of the league Swansea in a 1-0 defeat last night.
Surprised? No.
Disappointed? Yes.
Hotel? Trivago.
After watching Liverpool dissect Pep’s City side just over a week ago, I for one was not surprised to see them fail to score against Swansea who, despite their win, still sit bottom of the table.
Klopp and Liverpool’s philosophy of gegenpressing, which was so effective against City a week ago, was completely impotent last night. The reason being that gegenpressing only works against teams that are more open and attacking, such as City were, and is rather useless against teams like Swansea, or United, who put 11 players behind the ball. The other point to make is that it is hard to press against a team who rarely saw the ball; indeed Swansea only had 28% possession all night.
So after beating the champions-elect 4-3 losing to bottom of the table must have come as a surprise, no? Well no, not really, as history will tell you this happens time and time again to Liverpool football club, and is a major thorn in the side, which is becoming a big bloody long sword.
Just last month Liverpool suffered draws to Everton, then West Brom, with both teams adopting a defensive setup and effectively shutting Liverpool out. Granted, Liverpool had their chances last night which, had they been taken, would have seen them come out victorious, but the complete lack of any creativity was indeed concerning.
Defensive frailties were once again on show; 3 men in red going for the same header from a corner, resulted with the ball landing at unmarked Alfie Mawson’s feet, who slotted home assuredly. I’ll give Van Dijk the benefit of the doubt on his premier league debut, and hopefully his presence will add some confidence, and competence, to the back 4, but 1 clean sheet in 7 is again worrying.
Lallana and Ings did seem to make a difference when brought on, however I feel these were done too late on in the game. Many accuse Klopp of not having a plan B, and this does seem to be a problem against more defensive opposition, but anyone calling for his head must surely be delusional.
1 loss in 18 is not to be sniveled at, and one must hope that playing away on a rainy Monday night in Wales was the dominating factor behind Liverpool’s lethargy, and that we can bounce back in the cup on Saturday.
So no, not a surprising result but also not a reason for anyone to lose their heads, as life as a Liverpool fan has more ups and downs than the Grand Old Duke of York … with a Yo-yo … on a roller-coaster.
Charlie Brooker has announced that his futuristic series ‘Black Mirror’ is to be renamed ‘Mirror’, because the show is ‘actually just real life’
The decision comes just days after the show was moved into the ‘non-fiction’ category on Netflix, with a top spokesperson saying it was ‘confusing viewers’, as its content was ‘too real’.
Some examples of the stark reality of Brooker’s sci-fi include ‘The National Anthem’, which depicts a Prime Minister having sex with a pig (see David Cameron), and’The Waldo Moment’, which presents a reality where a vulgar cartoon with no political nous runs for office (see Donald Trump).
But its the worryingly accurate portrayal of technology that has led Brooker to alter the title. ‘Nosedive’s’ social rating system showed viewers the stark reality of the narcissism and self-loathing that results from our social media controlled world, whilst ‘Shut up and Drive’ shows the danger that hackers pose and the importance of Cybersecurity.
At the same time, episodes from the most recent series – ‘USS Callister’ and ‘Hang the DJ’ – make one question the ethics behind artificial intelligence; do these artificial beings have feelings; do they have rights?
These entirely plausible, and often true, scenarios have led some to question if Charlie Brooker is a sorcerer, and this is the prime reason – we understand – behind the change of name.
‘Some are hailing me a prophet’, Brooker said in an exclusive interview, ‘but others are calling for me to be burned at the stake, so I decided to change the name and call it a documentary, to save the hassle’. Fascinating stuff.
(NB: none of this is true)
Scepticalum 